Habit Pattern

"According to Buddhist teachings, the worst plague a human being can suffer is one that s/he cannot identify, or does not even know exists. Similarly, aversions (and cravings) that lie below the level of conscious awareness fuel habit patterns of the mind that inevitably lead to suffering. "
http://info.med.yale.edu/psych/3s/metta.html


The quote above really touches on the core of Buddhism. It's about understanding our fears and motivations and concepts, seeing ourselves clearly so we are not just moving in the same patterns blindly and recreating a cycle of suffering.

The circular path I wrote about yesterday is one way I envision the habit pattern. In workshops, people usually find it easy to spot their habit pattern. It's the sequence of events that happens in your life that always brings you to a feeling or end that makes you unhappy. But it's a familiar unhappiness. People often say "Why does this always happen to me?" or "No matter what I do, it always ends up like this!" And there is sometimes a kind of comfort in that, the feeling that we KNOW how things will be. Even if we want them to be different.

It's like a self fulfilling prophecy. But we have the power to end this cycle if we can see how our feelings, fears and concepts influence the habit pattern and create the end we expect.

Seeing the pattern is the first step. One of my habit patterns goes like this:
1 - Spend a lot of time alone - reading, writing, meditating, etc
2 - feel a little disconnected
3 - spend a lot of time/interact with someone I'm close to
4 - pay attention to what they think, feel, want, need
5 - feel overwhelmed
6 - Disconnect
7 - Spend a lot of time alone...

This pattern makes me feel like a jerk sometimes. I love people, especially the people I love...so I end up feeling guilty at the disconnect part and I'm often pretty blunt and stressed by that time, so I don't always get across the love so much as the "need to get the hell away from here" vibe.

Now, even though I've been aware of this pattern for a few years now...I still do this.
Because the habit pattern is fueled by aversion or attachment to a feeling. In my case it's a feeling of powerlessness that I'm avoiding. I feel powerless to strike a balance between myself and my needs and those of people I care about. So I go back and forth - all you or all me.

The next step is where I'm at now - paying attention to the feeling I'm avoiding. Seeing where it came from, understanding my concepts and misconceptions about my power. About power in general. And hoping that by experiencing, accepting and understanding the feeling I'm avoiding, it will lose it's power to fuel this habit pattern.

Like all habit patterns, mine does not end in a confrontation of the feeling I'm avoiding. It ends in the familiar unhappiness.

My teacher once said that Zen Buddhism is about confronting your fear, which is in essence confronting the ego. It's uncomfortable and unsettling and some days (like all of last week), I end up feeling like I'm fighting dragons or something instead of engaging in a peaceful philosophy. But it's been my experience that we hurt ourselves and each other more out of fear than anything else. So it's a worthy battle.