the christmas season

A friend of mine said recently that they experience the 'christmas mood' most through popular culture, especially tv shows, taking them back to their childhood. This whole season is rife with nostalgia and there are so many sensory memories associated with it. The scent of scotch tape brings me back to wrapping presents with my mom on Christmas Eve. Any Nat King Cole christmas song takes me back to one of my very first memories - listening to christmas albums with my dad at age 3.

I enjoy going back to those times and remembering the feeling of Christmas as a kid. But I started wondering recently what is the core of the feeling I had as a kid. When we say "it doesn't feel like christmas this year." or "I can't seem to get into the spirit this year." what do we mean?

As a kid, the thing I loved best about the christmas season was that the adults around me became children. My parents shelved their daily stresses and became downright impish as they decorated/shopped/baked. They were open to joy in a way that we as kids were naturally.

Which makes me think of the heart chakra. As young children, our hearts are open and it is as natural as breathing for us to give and receive love. When we grow older and experience pain, trauma or heartbreak, our hearts become more closed and we are wary of giving and receiving love. It feels vulnerable. We can be mistrustful. We might fear rejection. We think of our heart as something fragile that needs to be protected. And we protect it by closing it up and keeping it guarded. In truth, our hearts are incredibly strong when they are not restricted by our fear.

During a season like christmas if we participate fully in the spirit of giving, our hearts just open. They can't help but to open. Giving is their function. We become joyful, impish like children. And by giving (and thereby opening our hearts) our hearts are open to receive the love that is around us.

Reading "the Grinch that stole christmas" to a four year old or walking down the street, delighting myself with random memorized lines from "It's a Wonderful Life", the main theme that strikes me is the point where each of them - the Grinch and George Bailey, open their hearts the grinch by giving, George Bailey by receiving but both by opening their hearts and feeling connected to the love around them.

Open hearts aren't just for children. They're not just for the Christmas season. They're not just for a specific time of year when the focus is on giving gifts.

Thich Nhat Hahn says "If you love someone, the greatest gift you can give them is your presence."

That's what the Whos down in whoville were singing about. That's zuzu's petals.

acceptance

A while ago, my sister was stuck in traffic. She turned to her four year old daughter and said "I am not a fan of this traffic. Not a fan." To which my niece replied "But there is traffic, Mom. There is traffic on the road."

Back seat zen is so much cooler than back seat driving. Yet it's always easier to see what other people need to accept or let go of. I'm sure it was easier for the four year old to accept traffic than her naptime.

This same sister, an athiest/agnostic, used to find it very annoying when I used the phrase "let go and let god." To be honest, I used that phrase jokingly the first time and teasingly every other time after. I have just as tough a time with that idea as she does. I am also not a fan of traffic.

To truly accept something we have to understand our capacity to impact a situation and accept that we can do nothing beyond that point. There is a peace that can come with that, if we let it. But it can be hard to accept our capacity, to accept the limitations of our power over our environment. We want to believe that we have the power to get what we want. To arrive at destinations on time. To create a situation that makes us happy. And very often, we're able to do this. There are shortcuts and back roads and traffic reports. But there are also three hundred million people with free will in this country. Every situation, every moment is made up of countless other situations and moments. They are constantly changing, elements coming together and dissipating. There is a limit to our control.

When we talk about accepting things, we're not talking about surrendering completely to fate. Laying down and saying "I just have to accept it. That's just the way it is." Because then you're only accepting the power of the world around you - all the other factors. You're not accepting your own power, your own ability to impact your environment.

And true strength is in the middle. We exhaust ourselves when we make ourselves responsible for things that are truly beyond our capacity. And we create victims of ourselves when we don't accept the power we DO have in a situation.

It can be hard to recognize our capacity, especially when we're so used to overreaching it or not testing it. But when we find it and settle into it, the feeling is much more stable. It makes it a bit easier to sit in traffic and say "I'm not a fan of this, but it's there...there is traffic on the road." Instead of railing against it futily or waiting for divine intervention to clear the way.

meditation for beginners

For T and anyone else who's interested in trying meditation:

Set aside about ten or fifteen minutes and find a comfortable place to sit.

How to sit -
You can sit indian style, lotus or in a chair. Whatever is most comfortable for you. You want to be relaxed but have pretty good posture so your breathing isn't impaired by slumping shoulders. If you're sitting on the floor, try to make sure that you are grounded with you butt on a cushion and both knees touching the floor.
Another thing to note when you're preparing to meditate is the position of your head. Try to keep your chin level. If you nod too much forward, you might become drowsy. Too far back (besides being kinda uncomfortable) your mind will be more inclined to race around.

The goal -
As a beginner, you really just want to practice calming your mind. There is a tendency to believe that we are our mind and if we stop thinking we will cease to 'be' in a way. When we take a few minutes to calm the mind down, we can pull back a little and see what it's doing. See where our thoughts take us. Instead of being 'in' our mind, we can pull back a little and observe it.
When we try to NOT think, we become aware of how busy our minds are and how little control we have over them. We can choose for the most part what we want it to focus on, but when we ask it to stop for a few minutes and be still, we can see how active it is without our choice.
The important thing to remember is not to get hung up on clearing your mind completely. That will happen after a while of practice (so I've heard :) For now, you want to see what your mind is doing, accept the thoughts that come up but don't follow them. Don't investigate or let them bloom in your mind. Just acknowledge them and let them pass.

Tips-
If you have a super busy mind, giving it something to focus on can allow the rest of you and it to relax. Focusing on your breath is a great one. Just feel the breath coming in your nose and going out your nose. This is a great way to calm the body as well. Often our mind races ahead of us and we become a little ungrounded. Meditating on the breath bridges the mind and the body and can help you feel more centered.

Too stressed to sit down? -
If you get frustrated with sitting meditation, you might try walking meditation. This is the one type of meditation that always calms me down when I'm stressed out. Just choose a path, around a room or between two and walk very slowly. Pay attention to each foot as you lift it and place it back on the floor. Having your mind pay attention to your body and the sensation of your feet on the ground can really help bring you out of your thoughts and into your body.

You can create a ritual and specific place to meditate, or you can do it whenever you are sitting with nothing to do. A friend of mine sometimes meditates on the train during her daily commute. I've meditated during terrible movies.

The main point is to calm the mind. You want to limit distractions as much as you can, but remember that when you do get distracted, just bring your attention back to your breath.

Hope that helps!

Habit Pattern

"According to Buddhist teachings, the worst plague a human being can suffer is one that s/he cannot identify, or does not even know exists. Similarly, aversions (and cravings) that lie below the level of conscious awareness fuel habit patterns of the mind that inevitably lead to suffering. "
http://info.med.yale.edu/psych/3s/metta.html


The quote above really touches on the core of Buddhism. It's about understanding our fears and motivations and concepts, seeing ourselves clearly so we are not just moving in the same patterns blindly and recreating a cycle of suffering.

The circular path I wrote about yesterday is one way I envision the habit pattern. In workshops, people usually find it easy to spot their habit pattern. It's the sequence of events that happens in your life that always brings you to a feeling or end that makes you unhappy. But it's a familiar unhappiness. People often say "Why does this always happen to me?" or "No matter what I do, it always ends up like this!" And there is sometimes a kind of comfort in that, the feeling that we KNOW how things will be. Even if we want them to be different.

It's like a self fulfilling prophecy. But we have the power to end this cycle if we can see how our feelings, fears and concepts influence the habit pattern and create the end we expect.

Seeing the pattern is the first step. One of my habit patterns goes like this:
1 - Spend a lot of time alone - reading, writing, meditating, etc
2 - feel a little disconnected
3 - spend a lot of time/interact with someone I'm close to
4 - pay attention to what they think, feel, want, need
5 - feel overwhelmed
6 - Disconnect
7 - Spend a lot of time alone...

This pattern makes me feel like a jerk sometimes. I love people, especially the people I love...so I end up feeling guilty at the disconnect part and I'm often pretty blunt and stressed by that time, so I don't always get across the love so much as the "need to get the hell away from here" vibe.

Now, even though I've been aware of this pattern for a few years now...I still do this.
Because the habit pattern is fueled by aversion or attachment to a feeling. In my case it's a feeling of powerlessness that I'm avoiding. I feel powerless to strike a balance between myself and my needs and those of people I care about. So I go back and forth - all you or all me.

The next step is where I'm at now - paying attention to the feeling I'm avoiding. Seeing where it came from, understanding my concepts and misconceptions about my power. About power in general. And hoping that by experiencing, accepting and understanding the feeling I'm avoiding, it will lose it's power to fuel this habit pattern.

Like all habit patterns, mine does not end in a confrontation of the feeling I'm avoiding. It ends in the familiar unhappiness.

My teacher once said that Zen Buddhism is about confronting your fear, which is in essence confronting the ego. It's uncomfortable and unsettling and some days (like all of last week), I end up feeling like I'm fighting dragons or something instead of engaging in a peaceful philosophy. But it's been my experience that we hurt ourselves and each other more out of fear than anything else. So it's a worthy battle.

Moving On

So the bardo is over. I am officially moved in to my new place. But I find it really strange the effect that the two week intermission has had on me. In my first week in my new house, I really feel as if I've come home from traveling. As if I've been immersed in a foreign country for a little while and the habits and objects and feelings I used to move through adeptly, have become strange and awkward - cumbersome in the new lack of familiarity.

When I was a kid I remember feeling like this when we came home after a vacation. The stillness of the house and the temporary unfamiliarity of a familiar environment used to entrance me for that first day back. As an adult, the feeling of disconnection upon return became stronger as I traveled to more foreign destinations and stayed away for months at a time.

When I travel I take my habits and experiences with me, but it's not always obvious how I fit in. How my habits and experiences fit in. So I tend to observe more.... to notice things...to recognize and learn things about myself based on my reactions to new experiences. But really it's the absence of the everyday routine that allows the time and space for insight.

When I come home I often resist the pull of the everyday routine. I resist the familiarity and the grooves in my environment where my habits fit perfectly. I know very well how my habits and experiences fit when I'm home. But they don't always mesh with the insight and perspective I gain when I'm detached.

There's a friction there. The clarity of insight coming up against the pull of familiarity, of habit.

I sometimes think "I know...but I don't know HOW." I understand what I'm doing that I want to change, but I can't understand how or what to do differently.

Essentially, karma and habit are the same thing. When we walk across a field, we choose a path. and the more we walk on it, the clearer the path is defined. The easier it is to recognize. The more comfortable it becomes. "I know where this leads, I know this one is safe."

But safe doesn't always get us where we want to go, it just keeps us from unfamiliar experiences. When we take a moment to look at the field from a new perspective we might see that our path is going in a circle. We repeat the same experiences over and over. We interact with people in the same way. We encounter the same problems, arguments and heartache.

From a different perspective it can be easy to see "I just need to stop walking in that circle."
But then, when we're in that field...the path is so clear, it's so familiar...it's a habit to walk on it. It's 'safe'. Even if the result is pain, it's familiar pain.

We walk the same path and expect a different outcome. Thinking change will come from outside or maybe we did it wrong the last time, but this time it'll work out. Or maybe if I walk in this circle long enough it will become a straight line.

But habit doesn't work that way, and neither does karma. If we want to change, we have to change our habits. We have to walk a new path.

self compassion

Buddhism is sometimes called the middle path, meaning the moderation between indulgence and self mortification. This applies to compassion as well. If we are only compassionate to others or only compassionate to ourselves we are out of balance.

I once worked as a receptionist for a doctor who specialized in chronic pain. One day a new patient came to him and she was very stoic, all business. After looking at her medical history he said to her compassionately "You must be in so much pain." Her stoicism broke completely and she started crying. Through his compassion, she was able to experience her own pain.

This is kind of backwards, yet it seems to happen often to myself or people I know. We ignore our limits and are blind to our suffering and push on until someone else says "Wow. You must be exhausted." or "That is so sad, I'm so sorry for you." and then we take a minute to reevaluate. Wait a minute...I AM exhausted! or "Yeah, now that you say that, I suddenly feel like crying."

Sometimes we're not compassionate to ourselves because of a self concept. If our idea of our self is enmeshed in what we do for others - being strong, dependable, nurturing, giving, etc. - we may find it hard to turn that attention inward. Being compassionate to ourselves might feel like being selfish. I know so many people who cringe at the idea of spending time for themselves. Again, because of the idea that it's absolute.

Sometimes we're not compassionate to ourselves because we're afraid of coming in contact with our suffering. It's important to remember that compassion isn't just about experiencing pain and suffering, it's also about understanding it - recognizing and accepting the causes and trying to find a way to end the suffering that came from them. With patience and kindness.

One of the benefits of compassion is its ability to help us realize that we are all connected. If we are truly to feel that, we need to allow ourselves to be part of the equation. If we are truly to feel that God is in everyone, we must remember that we are part of 'everyone' too.

Compassion

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view - until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."
- spoken by Atticus Finch, in Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird

Oh, Atticus. Can you have a crush on someone based entirely on their principles? If so, I've been crushing on Atticus since 7th grade.

Walking around in someone else's skin is a great way to describe feeling compassion for them.Literally translated, compassion means "co-suffering".
The buddhist definition is "wanting others to be free from suffering."

Which is kind of the same thing. When we walk around in someone else's skin and feel their suffering, minor or major...we want their suffering to end because we are feeling it as if it was our own. There is no separation between their suffering and ours.

The focus on compassion is one of the first things that drew me to buddhism. Where many religions focus on our interactions with others as either a boon or a detriment to our relationship with God, the buddhist point of view is that our relationship with others IS our relationship to God and it is our relationship to ourselves.

There's no middle man.

Which I like. Not a fan of bureaucracy over here, especially with my spirituality.

Technically there is no God in buddhism. In my mind, the nun Tenzin Palmo explained it best "We think we are clouds, but really we're the sky."

In this quote I identify sky as spirit/light/love or however you define God or the particles you think God is made of....and ourselves as clouds - part of the sky with temporary shapes that we cling to and say "See...I'm different than the sky...I am fluffy...I look nothing like the sky." or "I'm different from that cloud over there - he is shaped like a bunny. I am totally shaped like a wave."

We each have an idea of how we are different from others. We layer it on - ethnicity, gender, fashion style, age, personality type, zip code, tax bracket. When we take a minute to walk around in someone else's skin, to share their experience for a moment...we get an idea of the ways we are all alike.

And when we realize how we are alike and the superficiality and impermanence of the differences between each cloud, we have the opportunity to recognize the superficiality and impermanence of the differences between the clouds and the sky.